Thursday, August 4, 2011

separation anxiety

to separate:  disunite; disconnect; divide; part
anxiety: uneasiness of mind; apprehension; concern

Sometimes relationships have a way of determining our essence.  When we connect with another and form a bond of trust and devote our wholeness to the person, we become so attached that when a disconnection occurs, devastation consumes us.  We become physically and emotionally crippled by the loss of a loved one.  Life gives and takes and the only way we can grow is to accept this cycle, but it is never easy, so today I share some thoughts and inspirations to help us all get through these painful changes.  According to A Course in Miracles, relationships are "assignments" in which people are brought together for maximal and mutual growth opportunity. Our relationships can be trips to heaven or trips to hell, depending on how we ourselves choose to interact with another person. Recognizing the spiritual lessons afforded us by each encounter will give us skill and even mastery at this basic human experience.

A grieving process is perfectly natural, and everyone has their own way of getting over a broken heart.   We become humbled and that is not always a bad thing.  Remember, you are never broken, just a little bent. 

At first we realize that things have been a bit rocky between you and an partner, or even tumultuous.  Or sometimes there is indifference, and deep in your heart you hear a little voice telling you something is not right.  You come to realize things are not going to work out unless you enjoy getting the silent treatment.  Ultimately, you find yourself facing the reality that things are not clicking between you.

It is important to understand that counterproductive actions of body, speech and mind do not arise of their own accord, but spring up in dependence on our motivation.  Faulty states of mind give rise to faulty actions.  To control negative physical and verbal actions, we need to tame our mind.  Dalai Lama

Now comes the actual realization.  Perhaps you have a huge blowout fight and never want to associate again.  You begin to realize you can never call them for advice or to go out for a quick dinner.  You start to miss them and wonder if they miss you.  Then you begin to think it may not be such a good idea to break up after all. We find comfort in routine and many times take the person we love the most for granted.  Then the little voice creeps in again and whispers that breaking up was a good idea ~ the relationship was not working out.  At this point, you tell yourself don't call them, remove them from your life, block them from facebook, twitter and email.  Erase them.  Just because you miss them doesn't mean it will be great when you see them again.  Remind yourself why you broke up in the first place and refrain from connecting.  If you are on the other end of this and were dumped without really knowing why and want to explain or find closure and are unable to do so, this is when things get painful.  Frustration and angst overwhelm your nights alone and the feeling of not being able to solve the conflict are brutal.  These are not good times, but alas, take one day at a time.  Surround yourself with those you trust to love you unconditionally and offer their support and comfort.  Embrace yourself.

The past doesn't determine your future unless you carry it with you into the present.
Forgiving yourself and others, you free the universe to begin again at any moment.  

All that has ever happened, is happening now, and ever will happen, exists right now.  The universe is just waiting to see which experience you choose this time.  If you think you would like to experience a different reality, focus on that, and that is the outcome you can draw to you.

No one likes the stigma of divorce, broken or single.  This is the crappy part when you realize your life will be different.  You may listen to songs that remind you of them, cry into a pillow that still smells like them, agonize about what will happen next.  Your life may seem over, but time heals all wounds and broken hearts mend over time.  This is the worst stage, but it is crucial to endure it.  Listen to those songs, cry a lot, curl up under the covers and brood a bit.  Let yourself feel the grief, pain, emptiness and sorrow.  Do not hold in your hurt, do not deny it.  There is no time frame for this stage, but usually it takes me two whole days to get through it.  Then on the third, something happens and I have an epiphany. 
Sometimes sadness is appropriate...not something to run from... not something to numb...just something to feel. 
There are many ways to handle the epiphany stage.  Sometimes rage sets in and you may think "that bitch/bastard!  I treated them like gold!  It's alright to feel this way, and actually it is crucial that you do feel bitterness.  You list all their annoying traits that you once thought were actually cute.  Moments that irked you and you put up with, fuel your fire to see the light and realize they were not as perfect as imagined.  No one is, really.  We try to believe so, but we are all human and make mistakes.  The key to success in relationships is to realize and accept each other for themselves without conditions.  It is very hard to love someone, when you sit down and think about it.  At this point you must not waste your day in bed but rather get up and dust yourself off.  Reinvent yourself.  Dress to impress.  Show them what they are missing.  Be the best you can be.  Quit that nasty habit.  Get in shape.  Get that job.  This is probably the best motivation for self improvement.    Make lemonade out of the lemons.  Over time, you will start missing them less and love yourself more.  Keep yourself busy with new hobbies, school, work, friends and family.  There is no point feeling sorry for yourself when there is a whole world out there waiting for you with plenty of new and exciting people to meet and/or reconnect with.

A negative attitude will send you down the road to unhappiness. There is no avoiding it. 
A positive attitude will put you back on The Path to inner peace and happiness. Again, there is no avoiding it.  
The most powerful way to provide for your future is to be happy and satisfied with where you are now.
Now begins your renewal.  Over time you will begin to realize that your ex is not the only one in the world.  You may realize the world is filled with people that you are able to open yourself up to again; other people will want to get to know you.  Even if you are not ready to start an intense relationship with someone else, get out there and start having fun again.  Mingle.  Just go out and have fun with people.  You will get over your ex much faster if you stop moping around.  Embrace the energy that the universe provides at this time.  You will be amazed at who connects with you, for your light will bring them into your life.   You may begin to live life as if your eyes are opened, you are awake again.  Conquer your world!  Seize the day!  Be a little on the selfish side.  Feel worthy of being loved.  Take it one day at a time and live in the now.  Whatever you did, or didn't do to cause the breakup, learn from this experience, cherish the memories, release yourself from any guilt or anguish and forge ahead with your head held high.

Karma means that all actions have consequences.

Grace means that in a moment of atonement ~ taking responsibility, making amends, asking for forgiveness ~ all karma is burned. now begin to feel freedom.  Those shackles of sorrow are no long binding you.  You have not thought about your ex in days (it's a start) and all of a sudden you may run into them.  Your stomach doesn't feel nauseous and you can see clearly.  When you say hello your ex looks more uncomfortable than you.  Once the encounter is over, you stroll away proud and tall and relieved.  Don't think about it for more than 10 minutes ever again.  You smile because now you know you are finally free and ready to open up and love again.  Getting to this phase may take longer for some but inevitably, you will get here. Some say it takes three whole months, others a year.   If someone doesn't love you anymore, or you don't love them, there is not point in staying together even if it hurts to break up.  Over time the pain will heal and you will let others in and share your wonderful self with them.  If they break your heart, learn, feel and live again.  Believe in soulmates.  Open your heart to the missing piece that is looking for you.

Life is eternally functional, adaptable, and sustainable.
Change is an announcement of Life's intention to go on.
Change is the fundamental impulse of Life itself.   
And as always...

In difficult moments seek God
 In painful moments trust God
In every moment thank God 

and keep the faith  xo

my sincere thanks to Marianne Williamson and Neale Donald Walsch for your inspiration