Saturday, February 13, 2010
the cookie: intimacy
I have not met a man that doesn't love a cookie. Figuratively and literally. Cookie: intimacy. Cookies are sweet, tasty treats that please the palate. Cookies are warm, fulfilling, delicious. I always have cookies around the house for the boys to enjoy. I like having a variety, plus they look so cute. But my true topic for today is about the other cookie. Intimacy is an act evidencing close familiarity with a person. It is being personal and private and pertains to our innermost part or essential nature. Intimacy is about bonding in the highest form. As humans, we need this to survive. Without it, we are alone and lonesome. We need warmth and affection, but most importantly, we need to feel close, desired and loved. Being intimate is the way we display our feelings with our bodies. To be intimate requires imagination, fantasy and passion. I have learned that most people, especially women, are most willing to be intimate when they know they are desired. If not, they feel empty. Desire is a huge trigger for orgasm, the ultimate testament to passionate pleasure. We all strive for that moment of ecstasy. It is brilliant. What a beautiful gift from God to bless us with this joyful, happy ending. It is a fact that having an orgasm releases tremendous amounts of stress. However, one can achieve intimacy without scoring everytime. Too much pressure is put on people to achieve this higher level and it is really the journey getting there that defines intimacy. Women need about 30 minutes to come to fruition, whereas a man only needs 3. We are very mental in our sexuality and we require different types of stimulation than men. It's how we are wired. Nevertheless, a man who puts his mate's needs before his own is the ultimate lover. Hands down.
The hardest part about keeping intimacy in a relationship is the timing. We are created so differently that one could say it is impossible to get in sync. I beg to differ, for where there's a will, there's a way. Men have extremely strong sexual desires when they are younger, whereas a woman has this much later in life. How to make it work? Go with the flow. Lover's Lane and Tabou Tabou offer a variety of toys to help spice up the bedroom. Play games, dress up (or down), watch good porn together, read racy romantic novels. Listen to Laura Berman. As a sex therapist, she is quite knowledgeable about this topic. She is a professional and encounters all types of issues in this arena. According to the Chakra system, the area that dictates sensuality is just below the navel and the color associated is orange. Orange affects the adrenal system, pushing energy into your system. Wear more orange if your sensuality needs boosting. Set up orange flowers, lights, colored objects to use the power of orange. Chant Vam (pronounced Vum) and draw energy from the body, earth and finally the Cosmos into the area of this Chakra.Wear greens and blues to soothe if you need to tone it down and have too much energy. Take heed, Tiger. These colors trigger the endocrine system and a set of neurotransmitters are produced which calm and inspire slower, gentler spirituality. Chant Yam (pronounced Yum) to relax. Sensations associated are neutralizing, soothing, love, compassion and fulfilling.
Love is the beautiful, irresistible, natural force in all our lives. When we're alone, we feel empty. We often become consumed with finding someone who will help us become complete. When we find someone to love who loves us, our hearts soar. The flowers are more beautiful, the air is fresher, the clouds speak to us of truth. And for most of us, sex is so passionate and satisfying that we can't get enough. Our bodies become divine musical instruments. Our merging tastes like the nectar of the gods dripping inside our bodies.
Then, for too many of us, something changes. We develop habits, scripts, expectations of each other. The challenges of life stress us. The details of work, home and kids absorb us. We get overextended, trying to make ends meet. We get tired. We get so damn used to each other. We're too busy to notice our hearts closing. Too often sex becomes an afterthought to release pent-up biological forces. It becomes an almost boring late night affair with two sleepy ex-lovers going through the motions in a well-known routine. The conscious ones among us wonder where did all that joyous energy go? With Tantra, you can change your life and rekindle your love. You can make each moment together fresh and new. You can make every challenge of life a glorious experiment. You can become childlike again, taking joy in learning about yourself and discovering each other in new ways. In the best-selling series of books, Conversations With God, God says that the purpose of life is to find out who you really are. And being in a relationship is the best way to find out who you really are.
Tantra is not a religion. It is a non-denominational spirtual practice over 5,000 years old from India which has shown people of all beliefs how to raise consciousness by embracing life more fully. Tantra was born through spirituality and sexuality with Shiva; Shakti gave form to his spirit and created the universe. Tantra, therefore, views the creation of the world as an erotic act of love. The joyful dance between Shiva and Shakti is reflected in all living beings and manifests itself as pleasure, beauty and happiness. This is the nature of the divine, the root of all that exists. If you find what brings you joy, your divine essence flows and you'll feel and project serenity, inner peace and compassion. Tantra teaches us how to welcome, accept and use the energy of life to grow. It teaches us how to accept, not deny; how to welcome, not resist; how to enjoy what feels good without judging. Our minds have been filled with all sorts of ideas that don't work, instead causing stress, problems and pain. Tantra says listen to your own heart and spirit. If you're truly awake, you'll hear your own truth. The path of Tantra uses the natural energies of life to help you find your deeper higher self and fuel personal growth. Tantra says to accept the intelligence of the universe that drives each of us in different directions. Some might say this is the divine working with us. Just don't fight life, because then you'll be blocking your inner desires and struggling through life with internal conflict. If you want to paint, make time for art. If you want to play sports, go for it. If you want to love, open your heart and follow where it leads.
In practical terms, Tantra becomes a series of holistic exercises to connect on multiple channels with the beloved, each partner coming from an authentic, honest, deeply self-aware place. This kind of harmony only arrives through knowing ourselves honestly enough to see past limiting preferences into the soul of our beloved as a reflection of god or goddess and merging with all energies - body, heart, mind, spirit. When both partners master and project all levels of their innate energies, they bridge the physical separation, resonate together and create a unique and powerful synergy. In Tantric practice, sex becomes a means, not an end. We open to all aspects of life energy. We learn to relax our bodies, heighten our senses, deeply experience our feelings. We drop goals and standards of how to perform, and don't seek orgasm in bed or ecstasy in life. In spite of having no sexual expectations, orgasms naturally expand and become stronger, longer, deeper, and more cosmic for both partners. You each take more joy in breathing, moving and simply being together. A relationship becomes a space of spiritual communion where you float in ecstacy together. You don't strive for reaching any state, you just bask in the pleasure your bodies naturally produces. By letting orgasmic energy pump through your own body and in and out of your partner's body, you create a circle. Distance and separation fall away and you feel as if you were one. Tantric love play is just that, playful. It's creative, spontaneous and always different. There are no taboos, inhibitions or boundaries, other than what you create to move in the direction you want at the speed you choose.
7 years into marriage, three quarters of couples say they are dissatisfied with their sex lives and might consider straying.
67% of women suffer from unmet needs.
The average man ejaculates within 2 to 2.5 minutes of insertion into the female.
By the age of 27, 97% of men can't have erections 1/5 as much as when they were 20.
30 million men in the USA alone suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Nearly 80 million men are unsatisfied with their ability to stay erect long enough.
These are not snapple facts, merely research facts.
The right brain contains the 5th brain circuit which is a holistic, superconscious state and is a major goal of tantric rituals. Opening the 5th brain circuit, represented in the Tree of Life, brings the feeling of bliss, a vision of wholeness, the ability to see holistically and a neurosomatic ability. Another right brain activity is sex. When this brain circuit is energized, chemical changes are made in the body and brain which are enormously healing, inspirational and energizing. Many tantric rituals, many techniques of the Tree of Life, and much of the teachings of the Tao, are designed to energize these circuits. Methods of opening the right brain functions include music, sex, art, polarity therapy, massage, color therapy, aroma therapy and accupressure. Music that promotes 5th brain circuit activity includes instrumental music, classical, light jazz and excludes heavy metal, strong drum beats, music with words, country/western. Delerium has an excellent CD called Karma and Enigma's greatest hits are perfect for promoting the activity. Paintings of inspirational character, appropriate colors, gentle humans, cats, nature and other inspiring things need to be kept close. Jarring, shocking, harmful, stressful things need to be kept at bay while learning to get and keep 5th circuit activation. Exercise, creative activity such as painting, playing musical instruments, meditating, yoga exercises and especially sexual activity in all forms; imaging, fantasizing, masturbating, coitus, touching and playing, is extremely important. The sex act is commonly divided into four portions; arousal, plateau stage, orgasm and relaxation. To gain plateau stage of sexual performance requires that arousal be maintained for a period of time longer than 7 minutes. After 7 minutes of arousal, most people enter the plateau stage of sexual activity and begin to change their body and brain chemistry to one which is similar to the chemistry of puberty. This is the strongest healing and holistic chemistry the body knows and when prolonged will always bring 5th circuit activity. This is the time to practice Dianism, a practice of abundant sexual activity without orgastic emissions. This especially applies to males. The musician Sting boasts he practices Dianism and last 7 hours. Females may have many orgasms as long as they don't have so many they cause the chemical factories to shut down. With practice, males may maintain a near orgasm for long periods of time without emission and chemical factory shut down.
This may be difficult to imagine for some of you, but a kiss can lead to so many other things. A soft, wet, passion-filled kiss can make both of you feel like undressing and reliving "the first time."
Approach her from behind, turn her around, stop her from uttering a word, and plant your lips softly against her whilst licking her lips and teasing her tongue. This will unmistakenly turn what was supposed to be a quiet evening at home into anything but. xo
"and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away"
"I just want to make you close you eyes"