Friday, January 7, 2011


In order to understand the value of detachment, we must consider the original value of attachment.  In ancient times a person who took care to protect things he or she had created to aid survival would likely survive longer and a person who protected their offspring would see his genes continue into the next generation.  Attachment to things and people would prove evolutionary benefit and this trait would continue in the species.  By seeking to control circumstances and the environment by eliminating risks and hazards wherever possible increases our chances of thriving and surviving.  A limit to control of circumstances always occurs.  To continue to respond with fear of loss only serves to cause emotional distress.  Often the best way to protect something or someone lies in making it stronger so that it can easily withstand the misfortunes of chance.  People have an inherent loyalty to other people that treat them well.  If we continuously make the experience of spending time with another person fun, enjoyable, relaxed, supportive, caring and involved then we fulfill most of their desires.  Only if the other person seems bent on destruction, because their own mind cannot let them remain at peace even when the external circumstances go great, does this method fail.  If someone else chooses to seek satisfaction elsewhere, this is a reflection of their own troubled mind and nothing to do with us.  At times it is necessary to break the relationship because such a person cannot accept your generosity and only continues to waste efforts. 
Parents raise children to become fully functional independent adults.  That can only come from teaching, training and encouraging them to develop the intrinsic skills and ways of thinking that allow them to solve problems by themselves and to accept that reality will often not meet their desires and that they must take responsibility for doing what any individual can to improve the chances of meeting desires. By continuously taking the easy option of doing things for the children rather than taking the more difficult route to let them do things for themselves and learn, we instead create very dependent children who will suffer later from incompetence to handle themselves well.  We create protection in the short-term but generate lasting dependency in the long term.  Parents are to remove risks and prepare children for problems they will encounter.  Accept that chance will sometimes prevent us from exerting control so to avoid continuous worry, develop detachment to the possible results of those uncontrollable events.  A strong mental attachment to anything that we have little or no control over will create stress because at some point reality may not deliver the result that we want. 

Control is the flipside of fear.  Beverly Conyers, An Addict in the Family

Detachment is the process of regaining control of one's emotions, thoughts or behaviors.  It is the beginning of a new relationship.  Separation means the end of a relationship.  The freeing of one to act and react with choice and allowing others to accept responsibility for their own actions.  Productive caring allows others to be themselves and to learn through their mistakes and at the same time, being responsible for their feeling and welfare. True detachment is releasing with love.

Tips for detaching:

Don't allow others to push your buttons

Build self-esteem

Separate the person from the disease

Learn to like yourself
Too much time and energy is spent on worry and it doesn't change anything.  Letting go of things you cannot change or worrying about things that haven't happened can increase your serenity and your energy level.  Change what you can - you.  Get your focus off people or things that you want changed and look at yourself.  Change your attitude.  A positive attitude can move mountains.  A good attitude can change how you feel physically, mentally and emotionally.  Living one day at a time and not projecting what can happen can improve your attitude.  Putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and others will avoid disappointment.  We cannot change the past - the future has not happened - and we are not so powerful to control something that has not happened.  Breaking down the roadblocks and getting rid of the defense mechanisms you use to prevent others from knowing how you feel is the first step in understanding yourself.  Use "I" messages to tell others how your feel.  Being honest and open about yourself will help you build relationships. 

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring;
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I can't control another.

To 'let go' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another;
it is to make the most of myself.

To 'let go' is not to care for,
but to care about.

To 'let go' is not to 'fix,'
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to deny,
but to accept.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and to live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less and to love more.

I can't fix you...I can't save you... it's something you have to do I let you go, I set you free...and when you see what you need to see..
then you'll find your way...back to me xo