detachment

In order to understand the value of detachment, we must consider the original value of attachment.  In ancient times a person who took care to protect things he or she had created to aid survival would likely survive longer and a person who protected their offspring would see his genes continue into the next generation.  Attachment to things and people would prove evolutionary benefit and this trait would continue in the species.  By seeking to control circumstances and the environment by eliminating risks and hazards wherever possible increases our chances of thriving and surviving.  A limit to control of circumstances always occurs.  To continue to respond with fear of loss only serves to cause emotional distress.  Often the best way to protect something or someone lies in making it stronger so that it can easily withstand the misfortunes of chance.  People have an inherent loyalty to other people that treat them well.  If we continuously make the experience of spending time with another person fun, enjoyable, relaxed, supportive, caring and involved then we fulfill most of their desires.  Only if the other person seems bent on destruction, because their own mind cannot let them remain at peace even when the external circumstances go great, does this method fail.  If someone else chooses to seek satisfaction elsewhere, this is a reflection of their own troubled mind and nothing to do with us.  At times it is necessary to break the relationship because such a person cannot accept your generosity and only continues to waste efforts. 

Parents raise children to become fully functional independent adults.  That can only come from teaching, training and encouraging them to develop the intrinsic skills and ways of thinking that allow them to solve problems by themselves and to accept that reality will often not meet their desires and that they must take responsibility for doing what any individual can to improve the chances of meeting desires. By continuously taking the easy option of doing things for the children rather than taking the more difficult route to let them do things for themselves and learn, we instead create very dependent children who will suffer later from incompetence to handle themselves well.  We create protection in the short-term but generate lasting dependency in the long term.  Parents are to remove risks and prepare children for problems they will encounter.  Accept that chance will sometimes prevent us from exerting control so to avoid continuous worry, develop detachment to the possible results of those uncontrollable events.  A strong mental attachment to anything that we have little or no control over will create stress because at some point reality may not deliver the result that we want. 

Control is the flipside of fear.  Beverly Conyers, An Addict in the Family

Detachment is the process of regaining control of one's emotions, thoughts or behaviors.  It is the beginning of a new relationship.  Separation means the end of a relationship.  The freeing of one to act and react with choice and allowing others to accept responsibility for their own actions.  Productive caring allows others to be themselves and to learn through their mistakes and at the same time, being responsible for their feeling and welfare. True detachment is releasing with love.

Tips for detaching:

Don't allow others to push your buttons

Build self-esteem

Separate the person from the disease

Learn to like yourself

Too much time and energy is spent on worry and it doesn't change anything.  Letting go of things you cannot change or worrying about things that haven't happened can increase your serenity and your energy level.  Change what you can - you.  Get your focus off people or things that you want changed and look at yourself.  Change your attitude.  A positive attitude can move mountains.  A good attitude can change how you feel physically, mentally and emotionally.  Living one day at a time and not projecting what can happen can improve your attitude.  Putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and others will avoid disappointment.  We cannot change the past - the future has not happened - and we are not so powerful to control something that has not happened.  Breaking down the roadblocks and getting rid of the defense mechanisms you use to prevent others from knowing how you feel is the first step in understanding yourself.  Use "I" messages to tell others how your feel.  Being honest and open about yourself will help you build relationships. 

To LET GO Takes LOVE

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring;

it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;

it is the realization that I can't control another.

To 'let go' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another;

it is to make the most of myself.

To 'let go' is not to care for,

but to care about.

To 'let go' is not to 'fix,'

but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective;

it is to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to deny,

but to accept.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,

but to grow and to live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less and to love more.

I can't fix you...I can't save you... it's something you have to do

...so I let you go, I set you free...and when you see what you need to see..

then you'll find your way...back to me xo



enabling

Unconditional love does not mean being a doormat for other people ~ unconditional love begins with loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we love if that is necessary

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

According to the dictionary, enabling means to make possible, to empower, to allow or permit.  In the field of alcohol/drug abuse the term enabling has acquired a negative meaning.  No one dies from alcohol without the help of at least one well-meaning person.  Individuals suffering from the disease of alcoholism are typically surrounded by very caring, concerned people who unknowingly, unwillingly and unintentionally help to keep the alcoholic sick.  The enabling individual uses an elaborate system of ideas, feelings, attitudes and behaviors when dealing with the addict.  This system blocks consequences of the addiction; therefore, the addict cannot see and is not aware that changes need to be made and help needs to be sought.  This system is called ENABLING, and when examined closely it promotes illness not health.  Enabling is denial, rationalization, minimization and avoidance. An enabler often suffers emotional, physical and spiritual bankruptcy.

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.  Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.  From Enabling: Sometimes Helping Doesn't Help at All

No one knowlingly encourages the continued use of drug/alcohol.  Enabling usually happens because people think they are doing the appropriate thing to help the individual or the current situation.  In understanding enabling and what to do about it, family members must realize that addiction is a disease.  It isn't something that anyone who uses chooses fully and freely.  Most people who struggle with enabling believe that their actions are helping or supporting someone.  An enabler is a person who reacts to an addict in such a way as to protect him from the consequences of his behavior.  An enabler struggles with denial as much as the addict does.  Examples include a spouse calls the addict's office to explain that the addict is home ill rather than addressing the fact that the problem is a hangover.  The enabler tells others that the addict uses alcohol to unwind or to calm the addict's nerves.  Family members take on responsibilities of the addict. 

Rather than addressing the behavior for what it is, the enabler looks to soothe the individual with the lowest level of conflict.  The enabler is often acting out of fear. He is often concerned how the problems surrounding the addict will affect the family, so they try to shield the family from the consequences.  Enablers lacking alternative skills will continue to act based on this misguided kindness and sympathy.  The enabler often falls prey to the use of rationalizing ~ excusing the behavior as unusual, but still normal.

As the disease progresses and the addict continues in his self-destructive behaviors, the enabler progresses in his codependent behaviors.  As feelings of decreasing self-worth increase, the enabler becomes more compulsive in reaction to the addict.  The addict's use becomes a symbol of the enabler's internal guilt and sense of inadequency.  The more the addict uses, the more the enabler feels responsible, guilty and inadequate.  The enabler begins to believe that the only way to feel any positive self-worth is to make sure the addict's use doesn't get out of control.   As this relationship progresses it becomes increasingly obvious that the enabler's entire reference for his life is dependent upon the actions of the addict.  The enabler ends up trying to control the situation by adopting reactive behavior such as cancelling social events where substances may be possible or calling home at midday to determine whether the addict is sober.  This relationship continues in a vicious cycle as both the addict and the enabler become increasingly alienated and dysfunctional.

Enablers tend to struggle with issues of codependency

caregiving ~ think and feel responsible for other people and their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, and well being; feel anxiety, pity and guilt when other people have problems; feel angry when their help isn't effective; anticipate other people's needs; find themselves saying yes when they mean no; doing things they don't want to do; overcommit themselves; believe other people are making them crazy

low self-worth ~ blame themselves for everything; get angry, defensive, self-righteous and indignant when others blame and criticize them; wonder why they can't get anything done to their satisfaction; take things personally; feel like victims; have a lot of shoulds; reject compliments or praise

obsession ~ feel terribly anxious about problems and people; think and talk a lot about other people; check on people; try to catch people in acts of misbehavior; feel unable to quit talking, thinking and worrying about other people or problems; abandon their routine because they are so upset about someone 

controlling ~ have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing them sorrow and disappointment; become afraid to let other people be who they are and to allow events to happen naturally; don't see or deal with their fear and loss of control; try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation or domination; feel controlled by events and people

denial ~ ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening; pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are; tell themselves things will get better tomorrow; stay busy so they don't have to think about things; get confused

weak boundaries ~ keep letting people hurt them; regularly say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people; increase their tolerance, gradually, until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would; become totally intolerant

anger ~ afraid to make other people feel anger; place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry; feel controlled by other people's anger; feel very scared, hurt and angry; feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment and bitterness

miscellaneous ~ tend to be extremely responsible; become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice; find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous; laugh when they feel like crying; cover  up and lie to protect the problem

Enabling must be stopped.  It sounds crazy, but every time you take away harmful consequences from a chemically dependent person, you are depriving him of an opportunity to see the problem.  In the end you are keeping them sick.

Family members are encouraged to develop their own support network and focus on recovery for themselves.  Just as the addict is encouraged to attend AA/NA, family members are encouraged to attend Families Anonymous or Al-Anon.  These are both 12-step based programs that focus on family members accepting that they are powerless over the addict, the disease and events.  The focus is on helping family members detach from the addict with love. This will allow family members to be supportive individuals in the addict's life without feeling a need to rescue/save the addict from himself.  Educate yourself and give yourself time to break from enabling habits.  Detach.

Common roles played by those close to an addict

the chief enabler ~ the spouse or parent who takes on the responsibilities of the family and covers up for the addict

the family hero ~ the hero tries to make things better for the family; he often becomes a perfectionist and has a hard time owing up to mistakes

the scapegoat ~ the scapegoat pulls away from the family and looks elsewhere for a sense of belonging; he draws a lot of attention to himself and away from the addict through negative behaviors

the lost child ~ lost children learn that it is safest not to draw attention to themselves; they suffer loneliness and pain

the family mascot ~ mascots are often fun to be around and use humor to survive; people assume that the mascot is fine, but he is often unable to deal with stress and become addicts themselves

Enabling an individual with an addiction is like buying the person his next drink.  The individual does not experience the consequences of his actions and has no real incentive to comply to treatment. 

Dr. Rev. Bill Lenters, Chaplain, Rosecrance

To care is healthy, to enable is not xo

addiction

Honestly,

I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, this superficial phony game.

I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me ~ but you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes this blank stare of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me, I want you to know that. 

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose.

Please choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble.  You alone can remove my mask.  You alone can release me for my shadow world of panic and uncertainty from my lonely prison.

So do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me, the blinder I may strike back.

It's irrational.  But despite what the books say about man, I am irrational.

I fight against the very things I cry for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls.

In this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder.

I am someone you know very well.

I am every man you meet.

I am every woman you meet.

"A core concept evolving with scientific advances over the past decade is that drug addiction is a brain disease that develops over time as a result of the initially voluntary behavior of using drugs." Alan I. Leshner, Ph.D, Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse

The American Medical Association has recognized chemical dependence as a disease since 1956.  The diagnosis of dependence is evidenced by either tolerance or withdrawal. There is also impairment in social or occupational functioning.  Tolerance is when markedly increased amounts of the substance are required to achieve desired effect or there is a markedly diminished effect with regular use of the same dose.  Withdrawal is a substance-specific syndrome following cessation of or reduction in intake of a substance that was previously regularly used.  Classes of substances associated both with dependence and abuse include alcohol, barbiturates and similarly acting sedatives or hypnotics, opiods, amphetimines and cannibis.  A person must meet three or more of the following criteria to be diagnosed as dependent:

Repeated effort or persistent desire to cut down or control substance use

Often intoxicated or impaired by substance use when expected to fulfill social or occupational obligations

Frequent preoccupation with seeking or taking the substance

Has given up social, occupational or recreational activities in order to seek or take the substance

Takes the substance as a means to avoid experiencing withdrawal intended

Continuation of substance use despite a physical or mental disorder or a significant social or legal problem that the person knows is exacerbated by the use of the substance

Chemical dependence: the disease of addiction is a primary disease.  No other diseases or illnesses cause addictions; however, addiction is the cause of of many other diseases, i.e. lung disease, heart disease and cancers.  It is progressive.  The issue only gets worse with time.  The use increases in frequence, duration and amounts.  The individual finds himself progressively having more problems and feeling more out of control.  It is chronic.  There is no ultimate cure for it.  This is a disease that can be managed and maintained, similar to diabetes.  It is fatal.  Death occurs through accidents, violence, overdose and physical deterioration.

With addicts, the choice is gone.

Addiction = Chaos

"Almost all drugs that change the way the brain works do so by affecting chemical neuro-transmission.  National Institute on Drug Abuse:  The Science Behind Drug Abuse

Every thought, emotion or action one experiences involves the nervous system.  This system includes the brain, spinal cord and nerves that extend throughout the body.  To regulate thinking, feeling and action, the brain has to be more complex and flexible than any computer developed.  The brain accomplishes its multiple tasks through the use of electrical charges and chemicals.  Neurotransmitters are one of the main chemicals that the brain utilizes.  The end result of the brain's use of these electrical impulses and chemicals are new responses from glands, organs and muscles.  This also results in changes in emotions and behavior.  Main neurotransmitters involved in the changes that the brain experiences with substance dependence include dopamine ~ serotonin ~ endorphins.

The main areas of the brain that are affected by neurotransmitters include the mesolimbic system, which is involved in the ability to feel pleasure.  The use of substances can have the effect of intense feelings of pleasure.  The hypothalamus controls survival in humans and other animals.  Behaviors that are regulated include eating, drinking and sexual activity.  The medial forebrain bundle is a nerve pathway.  If this bundle is stimulated by an electrical charge of chemicals, one feels intense pleasure or euphoria.  This is the type of stimulation produced by mind-altering drugs.  Repeated exposure or stimulation of this pathway creates a compulsive need/want, which is thought to be a part of the compulsion that people with chemical dependence experience, making abstaining a difficult behavioral change. 

The brain modifies connections in response to experience.  When a person learns something or has a new experience, new synapses may form.  When a person takes drugs repeatedly, the brain changes in response to this experience.  He will crave the drug.  Tolerance is when the brain has adapted to having a certain amount of drug present and does not respond the same way it did initially.  That is why drug abusers and addicts take increasingly higher amounts of an abused drug. One of the most dramatic long-term effects of a drug is killing neurons.  Alcohol kills brain cells.  Amphetamines kill neurons that produce serotonin, a neurotransmitter that regulates appetite, sleep, emotions and so on.   Cocaine changes the brain in ways that may last for a long time.  Two years after the last use PET images show that the drug abuser's brain is less active.

Scientists don't know all of the effects that a drug may have.  The brain is such a complicated organ.  Individuals may respond differently to drugs due to genetic differences.  Many drug abusers abuse more than one drug and the combination makes it difficult to determine what the effect of one drug alone may be.  Drug addicts often suffer from mental illnesses, such as depression.  The changes that occur in the brain because of mental illness make it difficult to determine what changes the drugs have caused.  Someday scientists will answer questions about what happens in the brain to cause additiction, which will then help them understand how to prevent addiction.

Addict in the Family

For almost every addict who is mired in this terrible disease, others ~ a mother or father, a child or spouse, an aunt or uncle or grandparent, a brother or sister ~ are suffering, too.

In the words of Beverly Conyers, author of Addict in the Family, "Addiction to alcohol or other drugs plunges its victims into lives of poverty, homelessness, crime and jail.  It stunts emotional and spiritual growth and ravages mental and physical health.  Indeed, the consequences of the disease of addiction ~ and most mental health professionals agree that it is a disease ~ are as potentially devastating as those of most other illnesses."

The impact of addiction does not end there.  Families are the hidden victims of addiction, enduring enormous levels of stress and pain.  They suffer sleepless nights, deep anxiety and physical exhaustion brought on by worry and depression.  They lie awake for hours on end as fear for their loved one's safety crowds out any possibility of sleep.  They live each day with a weight inside that drags them down.  Unable to laugh or smile, they are sometimes filled with bottled-up anger or a constant sadness that keeps them on the verge of tears.

Despite their suffering, families of addicts seldom receive the kind of support commonly extended to families of, say, cancer patients or stroke victims.  Instead, they conceal their pain in the face of the all-too-common beliefs that addicts have only themselves to blame for their troubles, that addicts could cure themselves if they really wanted to and that addicts' families probably did something wrong to cause the problem in the first place.  Many families of addicts share these views, which only adds to their unhappiness.

Ms. Conyers goes on to say "It is normal to want to help those we love, especially when they are faced with a crippling condition such as addiction.  However, the burden of guilt, the sense that we have somehow caused the addiction, can intensify our resolve to cure the addict, spurring us on to sometimes unhealthy and even counterproductive levels of involvement in the addict's life.  Parents, especially, look back on all the regrettable but inevitable mistakes of parenthood and feel a heavy sense of responsibility."

Even if families recognize that they did not cause the addiction, most feel a desire, or even an obligation, to do everything possible to help their loved one.  As families assume more of the burden of addiction, they may spend enormous amounts of time and money in their attempts to get their loved one off alcohol or other drugs. Often, the harder they try, the more the addict resists their efforts. 

The truth most families eventually discover is that no one can cure another person's addiction.  Only addicts can do that for themselves.

Does this mean that families have no role to play in the miraculous process of recovery?  On the contrary, families can have a powerful impact on their addict's struggle for recovery.  Studies have shown time and again that addicts who feel connected to a family that supports their recovery (even if that family is just one person) have a better chance of staying clean than those who believe that no one cares. 

However, there is a catch.  The families themselves must be healthy if they hope to have a positive influence on their loved one...families must arm themselves with as much knowledge about addiction as possible.  They must understand what they can do to support the recovery process and learn successful strategies for coping with addictive behaviors.  They must recognize common mistakes that may actually prolong addiction and avoid getting trapped in unhealthy patterns.  Perhaps most important, they must reaffirm the value of their own lives and focus on their own peace of mind ~ regardless of what their addicted loved one does.

National Addiction Hotline

866-301-0367

If you or a loved one needs help to conquer addiction, call a hotline immediately, or contact your physician.  There is help and support available through a variety of sources, just seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open. xo

down in the dumps

The holiday season is winding down, the decorations are being dismantled and we find ourselves nesting in our little corners of the world.  The extreme measure of being constantly on the go, eating, drinking and trying to be merry can bring an enormous crash to our bodies and minds.  Sometimes we feel a huge let down. It is a fact that most people suffer from deeper depression at this time of year. 

happy: glad, joyous, satisfied, pleased

depressed: dejected, weaken, sadden, hollow

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)  known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year, experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer, spring or autumn, repeatedly, year after year.  SAD is not a unique mood disorder, but is a specifier of major depression. The U.S. National Library of Medicine notes that "some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change.  They may sleep too  much, have little energy, and may also feel depressed.  Though symptoms may be severe, they usually clear up."  There are many different treatments for classic (winter-based) seasonal affective disorder, including light therapy with sunlight or bright lights, antidepressent medicine, cognitive-behavioral therapy, ionized-air administration, and carefully timed supplemention of the hormone melatonin.  I know quite a few people that frequent tanning salons and they insist it helps get them out of the dumps. 

Those who are clinically depressed, also known as major depressive disorder, can find it challenging to manage because your symptoms may not be limited to just one episode and may return without an appropriate treatment plan.  Symptoms that remain after initial antidepressant treatment are know as unresolved symptoms.  According to the DSM-IV, a medical reference commonly used by health care professionals to aid in diagnosis, a major depressive episode consists of many of the following symptoms, occurring nearly every day for at least two weeks.  This is a serious condition and should be monitored and treated by professionals.

Depressed mood most of the day; feeling sad or empty, tearful

Significant loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable

Significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain; decrease or increase in appetite

Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much

Agitation; or slowing down of thoughts and reduction of physical movements

Fatigue or loss of energy

Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt

Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions

Thinking about death or suicide

It is important that you openly share your feelings with your health care professional.

For almost every worldly source of happiness, there is a fear-based reason to worry.  We may have incredible children, but a day doesn't go by that we're not concerned about their welfare for one reason or another.  The very fact that we love our children so much, and taking into account all the danger in the world,  is enough to keep any parent anxious.  We may have a great career, but the pressures are intense.  We may have wonderful relationships, but people are still people.  We may have a lovely home but there are big responsibilities to that one, too.

Children are happy because they don't yet have a file in their minds called all the things that could go wrong.  They don't have a mind-set that puts things to fear before things to love.  Unless we can be like little children, we can't enter into the kingdom of heaven; unless we can be like little children, we can't be happy.  Children are happy because they don't have all the facts yet.  Facts are what we must completely let go of if we want to be happy.  We must decide to fly above the turmoil if we really want to fly above it.  We must ignore, maturely not immaturely, a whole realm of so-called meaning.  As long as our self-identification centers around what we call the real world, no profound happiness is possible.  Happiness requires that we give up a worldly attachment to things.  We have to surrender all outcomes. 

In order to be happy, we must become bigger than the worldly self.  It is a challenge to do this.  Just as children play games in which they pretend to be adults, we must pretend to be angelic, noble, enlightened spirits just visiting here, in order to actually become them.  Prayer may be the source to help us.

prayer for happiness

Dear God,

Please make me a force for Good.

Remove from my awareness all thoughts that keep me bound here. 

Every goal I surrender to You.

All agendas I surrender to You.

All I have and all I am I give to You.

I ask only to be carried in Your arms that I might

know the joy of full surrender.

May I not be tempted to think about meaningless

things and give them weight and suffer thereby.

Please send Your spirit to lift me up, above the pain and

turmoil of this world.

Please give me new youth,

and a free and joyful spirit.

Show the the happiness of full forgiveness.

Whomever I do not forgive, dear Lord, please show me how,

for I wish to be free of the guilt of this world.

Dear God, please make me happy.

I am ready to outgrow my childish pain.  Amen.

prayer for depression

Dear God,

I feel such pain, anxiety and depression.

I know this is not Your will for me, and yet my

mind is held in chains by fear and paranoia.

I surrender my life, right now, to You.

Take the entire mess, all of it,

now too complicated to explain to anyone

but known by You in each detail.

Do what I cannot do.

Lift me up.

Give me a new chance.

Show me a new light.

Make me a new person.

Dear God, this depression frightens me.

Dear God, bring me peace.  Amen.

prayer for the soul

Dear God,

On this day I ask for new life.

I ask to be reborn in spirit and mind.

I choose to consider as possible,

through the grace of God,

the total transformation

of my mind and body.

The mystical nature of who I really am

is known to You, dear God,

but not to me.

Let me see revealed the depth and power

of my true Self.  Amen.

prayer for empowerment

Dear God,

May I be pregnant with the expression of a new being:

Someone more magnificent than I have ever been;

More powerful than I have ever been;

Healthier than I have ever been;

More alive that I have ever been;

More at cause than I have ever been;

More tender than I have ever been;

More compassionate and merciful than I have ever been;

More full of love than I have ever been;

More tolerant, less judgmental than I have every been;

More at one with myself and all others;

More close to You, dear Lord, than I have ever been.  Amen.

Everyone has their moments when they get the blues, but if you feel you are overwhelmed with a severe case of being down in the dumps, I strongly urge you to consult a professional for support and medical assistance.  If you have the occasional case of wah wahs, try taking a walk, even if it's cold, just to invigorate your muscles.  Get a relaxation massage - touch is powerful!  Peppermint is an uplifting scent and lavender is soothing - get essential oils or burn candles with these scents.  Perform a random act of kindness.  Most times when we feel withdrawn and focus on ourselves, the simple act of doing something for another helps to forget about our own issues.  This will pass.  Take control, empower yourself.  Embrace God's healing love. 

don't worry, be happy   :)   xo

My sincere gratitude to Marianne Williamson for your enlightment and illumination.

chip away

The new year is filled with determination to begin a new slate, rid old habits, start fresh, keep resolutions.  The best way to reach your goals, whether it be to lose weight, deplete debt or be a kinder person is to chip away.  Remove the pressure to be your best immediately and plan a process to achieve whatever your heart desires.  Just as our magnificent landmarks become beautiful by erosion, this takes time and perseverence. Have faith in yourself.  Put your mind to whatever you wish and make it happen in baby steps.  Affirm all things positively.  Practice random acts of kindness.  If you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off and begin again.  No worries.

Imagine your journey is like that of peeling an onion.  You must remove each layer at a time to get to the core.  Begin reducing your financial burdens by paying your bills on time and reducing credit card debt by paying more than the minimum.  Sacrifice will be the key here.  Forget about dining out and going to the movies for awhile.  Be creative when cooking meals and refrain from impulse shopping.  Stick to your plan.  Once you start this regime, it becomes easier and eventually will feel natural.  If you plan to lose weight, again, sacrifice.  Learn to fuel your body with nutritional foods and modify your menu.  Exercise more  but begin with small increments if you haven't worked out in a while.  Take walks at first, then include stretching routines and eventually your body will tell you it can do more.  Include cardio and weights to your regime and your energy will increase. When you are confident enough, dabble in a yoga or zumba dance class.  Make it fun and enjoyable.  No matter what you heard, the secret to keeping fit is to eat less and exercise more.  The secret to financial freedom is that cash is king.  The secret to happiness is giving and gratitude.

Some people find encouragement working with support so find a friend or family member who has similar goals and encourage each other.  Make this a new lifestyle, not just an interim improvement.  You can do it, but it is your choice - success in your endeavors is totally up to you - no excuses.  Be reasonable about how you determine what you want to achieve.  Remember, as we grow older, it becomes harder to stay in shape.  This is a natural fact, but with hard work and determination, and confidence, you can do it.  Aspire to be your personal best.  Reward yourself for small accomplishments by getting a massage or whatever makes you feel pampered.  We are masters of our own destiny.  Respect yourself.  You are in control.  You will see the results.  Share your achievements.  You are worth it.  Make it happen.  

Anything is possible if you keep the faith.  xo 

the magi

The Magi are popularly referred to as wise men and kings. The word Magi is of Latin and Greek origin meaning the religious caste into which Zoroaster was born and refers to the priestly caste of Zoroastrianism.  As part of their religion, these priests paid particular attention to the stars, and gained international reputation for astrology, which was at that time highly regarded as a science.  Their religious practices and use of astrology caused derivatives of the term Magi to be applied to the occult in general and led to the English term magic.  Tradition has it that on January 6, the twelfth day of Christmas, we celebrate the Epiphany, when three kings, or noble men of different origin from the East, visited Jesus in the manger.  According to the Gospel of Matthew, the Magi found Jesus by following his star, known as the Star of Bethlehem.  Their names were Melchior, Casper and Balthasar.

The Magi are described as falling down, kneeling or bowing in the worship of Jesus.  This gesture had an important effect on Christian religious practices.  They were indicative of great respect and typically used when venerating a king; hence, kneeling has remained an important element of Christian worship to this day.  On finding Jesus, they gave him three symbolic gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh. All three gifts are ordinary offerings and gifts given to a king; myrrh being commonly used as an anointing oil, frankincense as a perfume and gold as a valuable.  The three gifts have a spiritual meaning:  gold as a symbol of kingship on earth and virtue, frankincense (an incense) as a symbol of priestship and prayer, and myrrh (an embalming oil) as a symbol of death and suffering.  It has been suggested by scholars that the gifts were medicinal rather than precious material for tribute.

In the time of King Herod, after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem, asking, "Where is the child who has been born king of the Jews?  For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage."  When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Messiah was to be born. They told him, 'And you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah for from you shall come a ruler who is to shepherd my people Israel.'"  Then Herod secretly called for the wise men and learned from them the exact time when the star had appeared.  Then he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, "Go and search diligently for the child; and when you have found him, bring me word so that I may also go and pay him homage."  When they had heard the king, they set out; and there, ahead of them, went the star that they had seen at its rising, until it stopped over the place where the child was.  When they saw that the star had stopped, they were overwhelmed with joy.  On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.  And having been warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they left for their own country by another path.   Matthew 2: 1-12

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are;

Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

Field and fountain, moor and mountain,

Following yonder star.

Born a King on Bethlehem's plain

Gold I bring to crown Him again,

King forever, ceasing never,

Over us all to reign.

Frankincense to offer have I;

Incense owns a Deity nigh;

Prayer and praising, voices raising,

Worshipping God on high.

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume

Breathes a life of gathering gloom;

Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,

Sealed in the stone cold tomb.

Glorious now behold Him arise;

King and God and sacrifice;

Alleluia, Alleluia,

Sounds through the earth and skies.

O star of wonder, star of light,

Star with royal beauty bright,

Westward leading, still proceeding,

Guide us to thy perfect light.

God's promises are like the stars ~  the darker the night, the brighter they shine.  David Nichols

When it is darkest, men see the stars.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness, instead keep your head up high and gaze at the stars, for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.  xo

happy new year!

If children live with criticism,

they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility,

they learn to fight.

If children live with ridicule,

they learn to be shy.

If children live with shame,

they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with tolerance,

they learn to be patient.

If children live with encouragement,

they learn confidence.

If children live with praise,

they learn to appreciate.

If children live with fairness,

they learn justice.

If children learn to have faith,

they learn to like themselves.

If children live with acceptance and friendship,

they learn to find love in the world.

When you thought I wasn't looking,  I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake just for me and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer and believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked...and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

To new beginnings and happy endings!

HAPPY  2011   XO XO XO